Napoleonic Wars: lulz edition
by HunterSeeker1029
Summary: What if the Napoleonic Wars, one of the most agitated periods in human history, was a PC game? Warning: must have at least a minimal understanding of history to enjoy the rofl. First chapter up!


***In 1789, the French Revolution broke out, and France turned from a nation ruled by a king into a Republic. The Committee of Public Safety, with Robispierre as its head, rules France with republican fervor in a period known as the "Reign of Terror".**

**France is surrounded by hostile monarchies. Fearing the ideals of "liberty, equality, fraternity" will plague their countries and lose their control over the mass people, they grow more and more hostile towards the new Republic of France.***

**Key things to know:**

-Germany and Italy are not unified countries: each are divided into independant states and cities

-the Holy Roman Empire makes up most of what is today Germany and much of central Europe, although it's a very weak and fragmented state. It was not Holy, nor Roman, nor really an Empire.

***safety4u[France] has joined the game***

***austria_rulz101[Austria] has joined the game***

***el_awesomeo[Spain] has joined the game***

***GB_Britannia[United Kingdom] has joined the game***

***4tehturkswin[Ottoman Empire] has joined the game***

***prussia4ever[Prussia] has joined the game***

***RussianBEAR![Russia] has joined the game***

**GB_Britannia: **guys, France is becoming too powerful, and I want to keep my money, so lets just form a coalition against him, k?

**austria_rulz101: **sure

**el_awesomeo**: whatever

**4tehturkswin**: u give me money maybe we see :)

**prussia4ever: **dude turkey stfu your territory isnt even being threatened

**safety4u: **wtf GB you ******* cheating scum dont listen to him guys

**GB_Britannia: **hey, you're getting too powerful, plus we kinda don't want a revolution in our kingdoms, you know?

**safety4u: **you are such a cheater man

***France has declared war on Austria***

**GB_Britannia: **well see, you were the one to declare war!

**safety4u: **THATS CAUSE ALL OF U ARE AGAINST ME ******

**safety4u: **thats it im invading your netherlands you austrian *****

***France invades the Austrian Netherlands, but its troops are disorganized and flee en masse at the first sign of battle***

**austria_rulz101: **hahaha *** u cant even fight properly

**GB_Britannia: **They're the French, what do you expect?

**prussia4ever: **dude its too early for that stereotype

**GB_Britannia: **:\

***Event!: the French king, Louis XVI, has been executed by the French people!***

**el_awesomeo: **dude wtf

**austria_rulz101: **srsly man

**prussia4ever: **k british we help you, k?

**GB_Britannia: **don't worry guys, we outnumber them.

***The Coalition has declared war on France***

**safety4u: **you guys are ******* weak this is bs man

***French troops take over the Austrian Netherlands in a surprise winter attack and push the invaders out of France***

**austria_rulz101: **dude GB come help me man

**GB_Britannia: **the only way I can help is with my navy. you know that.

**austria_rulz101: **wtf then help somehow prussias being a wussy and my netherlands are being taken over

**GB_Britannia: **sorry Austria. Can't do much other than that.

***Spain and Prussia make peace with France: France gets the left bank of the Rhine river and establishes the Batavian Republic in the Netherlands***

**safety4u: **wow thanks guys we cool :)

**el_awesomeo: **ya man you're too good :D

**prussia4ever: **:D

**austria_rulz101: **dude you guys are ******* wussies seriously

***British-funded Royalists attempt to land in the Vendée, a rebellious region in France hostile against the new republic.***

**safety4u: **srsly you english scum are worthless.

**GB_Britannia: **I think it's more accurate if you called us British instead of English...

**safety4u: **dude i dont care if youre english or scottish or w/e your still a ******* ***

***Nappy has joined the game; he chats with France on a private channel***

**safety4u: **srsly wtf is this

**Nappy: **dude ive been hauling my ass everywhere saving you

**safety4u: **?

**Nappy: **well i was kinda the one who drove the british fleet out of toulon

**safety4u: **wow that was u? cool man

***Event! A Royalist uprising has occured in Paris!***

**safety4u: **oh shit think u can help out wit dis man

**Nappy: **sure why not lol

***13 Vendémiaire: using his famous "whiff of grapeshot", Napoleon quells the Royalist attempt to overthrow the government***

**safety4u: **dude your awesome :)

**Nappy: **I know I am :D

**safety4u: **3

***Event! The Committee of Public Safety has been overthrown, and Robispierre has been executed. The Directory government has taken its place!***

**safety4u: **dude wtf this is bull**** man

***safety4u has disconnected.***

***xXxDIRECTORYxXx has joined the game***

**xXxDIRECTORYxXx: **hey guys

**el_awesomeo: **sup

**prussia4ever: **hi

**GB_Britannia: **hello

**austria_rulz101: **hey

**xXxDIRECTORYxXx: **k napoleon ima make u in charge of teh army of italy, k?

**Nappy: **cool!

**austria_rulz101: **lol little nappy

**Nappy: **:[

***Bonaparte's Army of Italy invades Austrian-held Italy. Generals Jourdan and Moreau advanced rapidly into Germany and planned to meet up with Bonaparte in the Tyrol mountains and march on Vienna, ancient capital of Austria.***

**austria_rulz101: **lol u frenchies dont stand a chance

***While the French were defated in Germany by the Austrians and forced to retreat back over the Rhine, Bonaparte was completely successful in Italy. He separated the armies of Sardinia and Austria, defeating them in detail, and forced a peace on Sardinia while capturing Milan and besieging the key fortress city of Mantua. He defeated successive Austrian armies sent to relieve Mantua***

**austria_rulz101: **goddamn guys someone help mantua's gonna fall

**GB_Britannia: **do I have to say this everytime? can't help you dude :|

**austria_rulz101: ******

***Mantua eventually surrenders 18,000 men. Bonaparte's forces invade the Tyrol mountain range, gateway to Vienna***

**austria_rulz101: **ok fine france plz lets make peace

**xXxDIRECTORYxXx: **lol well let napoleon do teh negotiating lol

**Nappy: **OK...

***Austria signed the Treaty of Campo Formio in October, ceding Belgium to France and recognizing French control of the Rhineland and much of Italy. The ancient Republic of Venice was partitioned between Austria and France. This ended the War of the First Coalition, but Britain was still in the war***

**austria_rulz101: **lets be friends france :)

**xXxDIRECTORYxXx: **ok

**GB_Britannia: **You guys are seriously pathetic. Austria, you're such a hypocrite.

**austria_rulz101: **man w/e im getting tired of fighting anyway

**xXxDIRECTORYxXx: **anyone know why russia isn't doing anything?

**GB_Britannia: **I think he's afk. =|

**RussianBEAR!: **sorry guys im eating lol

**xXxDIRECTORYxXx: **napoleon u can has invade england?

**Nappy: **i dunno

**xXxDIRECTORYxXx: **wat do u mean, please?

**Nappy: **ima invade egypt instead, teh british wont have access to india and stuff

**xXxDIRECTORYxXx: **makes sense

**Nappy: **k

**xXxDIRECTORYxXx: **k

**Nappy: **...

**RussianBEAR!: **guys srsly stop falling in love with each other and do something

***Napoleon Bonaparte leads an expedition to take Egypt, to cut off Britain from her wealthy colonies in India.***

**Nappy: **lol it r sandy

**4tehturkswin: **wtf napoleon egypt is mine :[

**Nappy: **blame the british dude

***The modern French forces easily reach Cairo, taking very little in casualties while inflicting much damage on the Ottomans and their Mameluke vassals***

**Nappy: **wtf hax, my army has plague :(

**4tehturkswin: **thats what you get french *****

***British Admiral Nelson's fleet destroys the French fleet at Aboukir Bay***

**GB_Britannia: **HAH! Britain 1, France 0!

**Nappy: **wow ive heard that so many times my buttocks are beginning to hurt

***Plagued by the plague, surrounded by a hostile population, and with the British working with Turkish forces, Bonaparte is forced to leave his army in Egypt and return to France***

**Nappy: **wow that was close

**xXxDIRECTORYxXx: **nappy help me quick teh austrians and russians and everyone are attacking

**Nappy: **wtf u bastards

**austria_rulz101: **well u were gone lol

**RussianBEAR!: **lololololololol

**xXxDIRECTORYxXx: **you guys are mean :[

**Nappy: **:\

***Napoleon Bonaparte overthrows the much-despised Directory and, along with other conspirators, establishes the Consulship, a government lead by 3 Consuls, with Bonaparte as First Consul***

**xXxDIRECTORYxXx: **why u hax me napoleon :[

**Nappy: **cause u suck, QQ moar

**xXxDIRECTORYxXx has disconnected**

***Russian forces in Switzerland are defeated by General Masséna. In Germany, General Moreau defeated Archduke Johann at the Battle of Hohenlinden, forcing him to sign an armistice. Bonaparte takes personal command of the army in Italy and eventually brilliantly defeats the Austrians at the Battle of Marengo***

**austria_rulz101: **goddamnit lets be friends again k

**Nappy: **i dont think so. i want you to recgonize mah friends in italy and netherlands plz

**austria_rulz101: **fine whatever

**Nappy: **also, i want the left bank of the rhine

**austria_rulz101: **wtf y

**Nappy: **hey, you started this war man, not me

**austria_rulz101: **goddamnit fine

***In February 1801 the Austrians signed the Treaty of Lunéville, accepting French control up to the Rhine river and the French client republics in Italy and the Netherlands.***

**Nappy: **Britain let's make peace this is getting bloody :(

**GB_Britannia: **really?

**RussianBEAR!: **ya rly

**Nappy: **stfu we already made peace

***The Treaty of Amiens between France and Britain began the longest break in the war between the two during the French Revolutionary and Napoleonic periods.***

**Nappy: **awesome

***Unfortunately, the treaty only lasts for 2 years***


End file.
